I am still trying to figure out how my days fly off the calendar now.  It seemed like while I was working especially during this time of the year, my days were at a snail pace, now I look up and realize it is true," Life is like a breath."  Christmas will be here before we know it, I will have a "daughter" soon and I am sure May 16th will arrive much faster than when I spent 9 months being pregnant with my sons.

However, I don't feel like I have wasted a single day.  I have not been sitting on the couch eating bon-bons, although that really does apeal to me.  I have spent a lot of time with my mom and I am grateful that I have been able to do so.  I have also spent time in  reflection and in trying to hear what the Holy Spirit is screaming at me.  

I heard someone say something yesterday about a "Facebook Family" where he implied that on Facebook all families seem perfect.  None of us are perfect and I especially am not perfect.  I have discovered something about myself that I am not proud of what has taken place within my soul.  I have been growing a "Root of Bitterness".

I wish I were as perfect as my Facebook page portrays me.  I don't know why this weed has sprung up, but I can tell by close examining it that it has been well tended.  I recognize those bent places where I have pulled it out to examine it and carefully held it between my fingers and protected it. While at the same time trying to deny it existed.

September 1st is just around the corner.  This is the time I always dreaded while I was working.  It was the busiest time of the year for me and I would run in a flat out sprint until the month of November appeared like an oasis on my calendar.  But, I don't have that excuse this year.

It's funny how God does things.  I have been reading the story of the Prodical son and I while I have always rejoiced as the child who returned, it was brought home in my spirit that I act more like the older son than the younger.  Yikes -- that brings me to my knees.

So I've had to ask Jesus to forgive me - again.  It is the sin that continues to trip me up. The one where I believe myself to be the axis of the world and things revolve around me.  September 1st brings me hope.  I plan on having an "attitude of gratitude the whole month -- even if I have to spend the whole month in my closet at home with my mouth gagged!  Don't tell that to David, he would find way to much joy in the gag.

A new beginning - AGAIN!  Thank you God for being new every morning, thank you for loving me in my bitterness.

Now what?    Another cliche' -- now I have to just "Do it!'  Forget about September 1st.  I must do it today or that breath that passes too quickly will smell as rancid as morning breath.  I need the mouthwash and soul wash of Jesus - not just every morning, but with every inhale and especially with every exhale.

P.S.  If in observation you see me being bitter - call me out on it.  Remind me that I have so much to be thankful for and your honesty as a friend is one of those things. Even if it hurts.

In a few weeks, I am going to be speaking at a luncheon for some ladies and this will be my 3rd time speaking with them. When I first received the invite, it was late on a Saturday night and I was snuggled in my bed, David sleeping beside me with my Ipad on searching for whatever would help settle my mind so I could join David in sleep.  When I read the e-mail my first thought was  "What in the world could I have left in me to share?"

You see, I only know my story of what Jesus did for me.  So I picked up His word and I began to read.  The Bible is such an intimate story and it never fails to touch me in places that I didn't know existed.  One moment it exposes my flaws while simultaneously applying a soothing balm to quiet my grieving, angry spirit. 

I see myself in the faces of the crowd as they praised Jesus with palm branches.  That's me standing beside the woman with the issue of blood, although my issues were of a completely different nature.  I was also in the crowd screaming "Crucify" because I could not bear the thought of the "nature" of  my issues becoming public knowledge.  I find myself as both the wayward son described in Luke as well as Onesimus, the slave whom Paul so valiantly defended. 

I see myself and that bothers me. 

So I don't know yet, what I am going to share, but I know this for sure.  It will be my story, perhaps wrapped in a different way, but still the story of how Jesus Christ met me in the midst of my denying him and loved me.

Once upon a time ........... and for all time ..........that's my story!

I have huge dreams of where I want my life to go.  The problem is there are times (many times) when I jump without even once approaching God and consulting with Him on whether or not this is where He wanted me to go.  I jump in and then I ask Jesus to bless my mess!  Am I the only one guilty of this blunder?

Jeremiah 29:11 is so familiar to us.  "For I know the plans, I have for you" declares the Lord, "plans to proper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."  I love this verse, it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside when I read it and claim it.  I often quote it to myself when I am not having a good day.  But, the promise doesn't stop at verse 11 it goes on to verses 12 - 14 by requiring us to buy into the process.  "Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.  I will be found be you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you," declares the Lord, "and will bring you back from which I carried you into exile."

So I am seeking Him.  I need to know that the steps I take in my spiritual life between now and the end of my journey are the correct ones -- before once again placing my foot on the wrong path.  I know God called me into a speaking ministry years ago, but people have not broken down my door begging me to come to their church and speak.  I also know that God has called me as a Financial Counselor and that is starting to grow. I reach the most people when I combine the two although sometimes that is painful to me personally.  :)

So I'm praying.  Now that I am retired, I don't know exactly where God is going to leading me, but I know this, I'm not going without Him!  I'm going to seek Him with all my heart and He promises me He will find me.  That is enough for me today.  I so wish I had it all figured out, but I know God will show me each piece of the puzzle when He is ready..  Until then I'm standing at the last place I knew He called me too. So while it may look like I am standing still, I'm not.  I am preparing for that day and dreaming dreams of becoming who God has called me to be.